Ten Dollars an Hour

So I'm at work, Again... I shouldn't complain I almost never work, I don't really like to. But the money. So there I am and what I have to do (my mission you could say, but please, don't say that) is that I need to go down into this basement. Well, more like a foundation for a building that burned down tragically before its time. Its big. Its cluttered, dusty, very dark and there are bugs and spider-webs EV-REE-WHERE. What I've been assigned to do is to open all these little windows that are maybe eight or ten feet off the ground. They need to be opened because this place is not sealed up real tight and its not waterproof and so it gets real wet down in there. It needs this ventilation. Maybe twelve windows. Now, I'm not even close to being eight to ten feet tall but the height thing isn't too much of an issue because there's like old machines and boxes and random metal things to stand on literally all over the place. And I mean literally!
And I'm going about this work and I'm balancing on things (which I'm decent at if you ask me) and I'm opening these little windows. There are tons of old spider-webs on these things that I'm brushing and clearing away with my hands. I guess that those old webs should have given me some clue. I should have probably put it together that there would be live! spiders there too! But hindsight is worth twenty bucks, right?
I can't really explain what happened next. Some of you may say I got careless. I'll try to explain. As I was opening a particularly stubborn little window there was a faint sort of popping noise and then the feeling of the creepy-crawlies all over my hand, then my arm, now its around my neck, on my back, chest, face, legs, and head. In my hair. It moved real fast and I couldn't tell with the darkness just what might be going on. I just didn't know. I felt sort of a lot of burning sensations and then itchiness and I started to get out of there as quick as I could even if I hadn't opened All of the little windows. Fuck the windows for now is what I was thinking. And I'd soon find out that was the proper position to take on that matter.
So I get outside and I'm sorta flailing around violently and scratching like mad when I notice that there are little creatures afoot crawling ever so quickly all! over my body. My whole body!! The funny thing I realize now about baby spiders is that you can see right through their undeveloped exoskeletons. But that wasn't important to me at the time. I could feel them crawling in my ears one went and crawled around my eye and maybe into my eye (I still don't know) and more than a couple went straight for the nostrils, which I still don't understand. There must have been hundreds. I ran to the other side of the house very quickly. And I sprayed myself all over with a hose. And I think I killed most of them but I've been feeling paranoid about it ever since and I'm still really itchy everywhere. I don't think I got all the ones that were going in my ears because when I blow my nose I can still see ones come out that are moving a little and if they can live in my nose then they can probably live in my ears I think. I know there must still be some in my hair because I've been finding little bits of webs in my hair since around 4:30.
I worry about whether or not the ones that went in my ears could make it to my brain. I don't think they could but I'm not sure as nothing like this has really ever happened to me before today, besides the time I was running through the woods naked and I stepped on an extremely large ant-hill, but the ants never made it up to my head. Because I was naked I was able to brush them off pretty easy without destroying too many. But I'm probably just worrying too much about it, and besides what could they do in there anyway? There's no air so they can't breathe I don't think.
So then finally I get home, and this is the funny part. I tell my Dad the story and the first thing he says is," ...And all this for ten dollars an hour". Without even missing a beat. He is so clever in some random situations. But then he never really ceases to amaze me.

First page of the movie script

"The Cost of Flesh"
Act 1 Scene 1
Written by John Nicoll

We come into this at the middle of a recognizable scene. It’s dark, spooky.
Jason: So you think you can fuck with me like that just because you’re a zombie
NOTE: Samson is a zombie
Samson: Yeah it’s like that you fuckin’ piece of shit I’m a zombie and you should be
scared of me you fucking prick-head I’ll eat your brain if you aren’t careful. I have a
shovel right here
NOTE: Jason seems unafraid
Samson shows shovel
Samson: I will fuck your head up with this and then eat the contents of your head.
Mostly brain because that’s what I enjoy the most but also probably I will eat lots of
other things like cartilage and shit or whatever. And I’m gonna eat your eyes so even if
you live you won’t be able to see shit, fuck-wad!!!
The light changes to a daytime similar light
Jason is standing very still but is looking ready.
This scene takes place in a graveyard.
Jason: Oh so you think so, do you?
Jason says that like a question.
He reaches around to his back where there is a loaded .45 waiting.
Samson: Well if you were ever going to make a move I think you would have made it by
now so it seems I have caught you off your guard. I’m a zombie now so I have the
advantage, not like when we were in school growing up together and you were always
bigger and better at sports.
NOTE: Jason and Samson went to school together
Jason: When you die what do you think you might hear?
Samson: I’m already dead you fucking douche-bag and you know what I heard? I mean
when I died?
Samson: Well, do you?
Samson: I heard the sound of bells. Bells like in a church choir. It was beautiful.
Jason: Well I’m glad you liked it.
Samson: Liked what?
Jason: The sound.
Samson: The sound of what?
Jason: Those bells.
Samson: What do you mean that for?
Jason: Because you are about to hear them beautiful bells again, so thank me.
BOOM!
NOTE: Jason shoots Samson’s head and Samson’s head explodes like a watermelon
struck violently with a sledgehammer.
Jason: For killing you again, I know you liked dying so much the first time. Ass-hole
zombie fuck-wad piece of shit douche motherfucking cunt-rag.

Why it is sometimes better to follow the rules (or) Very similar to another story (or) He who never learns his lesson seems to always suffer

So I guess maybe I didn't quite learn my lesson about the risk taking. But shit's been weird lately. I mean fuck I've been trying to get sober and I'm not really thinking straight, I'm bored all the time and I am constantly resentful of everything. So there I am just straight eating pepperoni out of the bag and I see this little packet. It is full of silica gel and it says right on it very clearly not to eat it. Which naturally makes me very curious, and fuck it right? What could possibly be so bad about it, after all it is right there in close vicinity to the food that I'm steadfastly consuming like some angry dog, a dog that hasn't eaten in nearly a week and who is just rabidly hungry. I mean, this dog is about to die if it doesn't get some pepperoni like pronto. But enough already with the analogies or meta-4's! (an attempt at being hip & current) let's please focus on the story. Well nothing too bad has happened so far except that my mouth, well it sure is dry and my guts hurt real bad. And I feel a little bit like I'm gonna die. Needless to say I don't recommend eating that little fucker to any of my friends. Not unless you wanna feel really sick. Now, I don't suggest this strategy all that often, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes, SOMEtimes its better to just follow the rules.

Holliday cheers!

So I have been thinking a lot lately. I know its a bad idea (but fuck it right?) So anyway its the holiday season and it get's people thinking, so I'm thinking too. And I'm just going to say it. I know it's been on everyone's mind, so I'll just say it. God didn't create this world. Satan did. This world is filled with ass-holes. There is constantly war going on somewhere. People, good people, are always suffering, for no reason. Maybe a gentle and pure God made worlds somewhere, I'm sure that that happened. There are billions of multiple planets out there filled with really great creatures and they really love each other, maybe. Its just that it is not the case here. We're just not that way. We were all created by the devil. God did leave one son here; one being, and we brutally tortured him BEFORE murdering him. And now to celebrate his birth we go out of our way to worship a demigod, dressed up in red, living at the top of the world (the North Pole) aided by magic elves, somehow mystically producing brand-name products to be delivered with the help of supernatural deer. Why does God hate us? Well I guess I don't know.
Merry Christmas
-John Nicoll
P.S. Happy Holidays

The Case Against Being a Cowboy (or) Why I No Longer Choose To Be One (or) How I Learned the Lesson

So, turns out its pretty much totally true what they say about sticking the fork in there not being such a good idea. So, I'm at work today and my boss has me cleaning up in front of the shop. Only problem is he hasn't told me a note or two about where to put anything. So there I am just making piles of things kind of placing them randomly just wherever, out of the way, i don't know. Usable pieces of shiny sort of metally looking things in one bucket. Another bucket for the not so useful stuff. etc. ad infinitum. But let me get back to my story. So I guess what happens, and the doctor fellow explained to me later. You can trust them 'cause they have degrees. (Degrees=smart). Well I guess what happens is that cord that you plug into the wall, well, there's electricity constantly! running through it. Its what powers the toaster, though to be honest this may be true for a lot more appliances around the house than anyone imagines. But let me get back to it. When you stick the fork in there the electricity runs really really fast up the fork into YOU!! And you can't outrun it. Its That fast. Anyway it makes like the taste of peanut butter or batteries or whatever in your mouth and you start to feel all cold or like a big jolt of energy or something. And its not totally unpleasent the taste. But ALL I'd really have to do is go to any store really. Now it might MIGHT be cheaper with the fork idea, but if you must taste peanut butter and you really can't afford it. Call me. Please. I will buy it for you. I'll give you a ride to the store even. Now apparently this phenomenon can occur with, and will occur with a whole laundry list of household appliances, more than anyone realizes. A washer dryer setup in fact. The reason it happens so much more often with a toaster is because its the morning time, because you're tired and hungry, because you feel you just Must have that toast right off. No waiting, right out of the gate. But if it does manage to get itself stuck in there all you have to do is to remember to first unplug the toaster (or toaster oven), turn it over so the toast retrieval end is f acing Down, and then just vigorously shake the thing. Toast delivered. front and center. pronto. Please, don't be like me. Don't be all impulsive. Don't be a cowboy.

9:30 AM (so early)

Wellt I fucked up my internet again, and I don't care what this post is telling you, but its about nine and a half in the morning (so heart-sickeningly early). And this GD toaster is acting up again. And I know what they say about it (jamming the fork in there to get the toast unstuck). That you might get electrocuted or whatever. But (god's be damned), I'm going for it. I'm so madingly hungry for this damned toast, and who gives a fuck anyway, right? I'll put some jelly on there, maybe some peanut butter, who know's?, When its done I'll cut straight away to the good part. Cheers to a new job, right? Thanks
John

Shout Outs

I would like to thank everyone who has supported my blog in the past. I couldn't have done it without you. To all the folks at Markumup Press to my friends and family, the people at Sony everyone at Silent Screens, the Bellagio Hotel and Casino, Stax, Larry David, my good friend David Beckham, Jesus, Tom Brady, Will Smith (big willy style 4eva!), all the dot com's, the economy, glue, pencil, words and letters, jell-o, beer, camping, eyes, x, maybe, toast, yarn, good, cereal, spel cheker, learning, merlinfinity, porn, zzx, abbreviations, semi-colon;, hardcore porn, street light, dog, television, being there, getting there, top, yo-yo, noon, moon, soon, toon, woon, doon, zoon, the Wu-Tang Clan, Nancy Reagan, Betty Paige, merlinfinity, porn, Moses, computer, internet, Ohio, Barrack (first name basis.), Team Sylvia, PitGear(keep it brutal!!), sandwich, heavy, all the little people, to the people or things I forgot; you know I still love ya!, you've all been a big part of my life; my heart to you all, and last but not least God, you've been my strength when I was weak.